Horror and Strife
by Turn Based Tragedy
Summary: Moebious is a moron. It's funny. The latest chapter is about fruit. R&R or face the horrible mob of doomedness that wants to lick your toes. I know, gross right?
1. Have some more sweet potatoes!

Disclaimer: Has any one _ever _owned Legacy of Kain? If I owned it I would wave already gotten my butt on making another LoK game.

AN: I got writers block so I started a new story…whatever.

Day in the Life of Horror and Strife

The Tale of a Walking Death Machine

Moebius woke up; it was a glorious morning filled with sunshiny sunshine and a glorious interspecies cooperation. He was so happy to be alive (not that he had any choice); he could just feel the good will gravitating toward the vampires. _I do believe it is time for someone to screw things up…_a voice said in Moebius' head. Moe looked around confusedly, and decided to just sit there. _I said "screw things up". _The time streamer blinked a couple of times and continued to sit on his ass. _Hello? Get up and do something evil _the voice told him again._ For my own sake…_the voice sighed under its breath _go out and kill some people my "good" servant…_Moebius got up, looked around, scratched his butt and sat back down again. _MOEBIUS GO KILL THE…flipping…VAMPIRES! _The voice shouted in Moe's head. A look of pure moronic joy came across the old man's face and he said, "Gee, I think I'll go make a public speech!" the voice became silent in furious contemplation for a moment _well, at least we're getting somewhere _the voice sighed.

Moebius was not very bright, in fact, most of the things that he accomplished he did on accident. He wasn't out to hurt anybody- he hadn't the mental capacity. Moebius was just your everyday typical idiot. How did he start a war then? I'll tell you; he didn't. The horrible truth of it was: An actor did it. Moe had never even spoken to a vampire, and then there was Kain…

"Would you like some sweet potatoes?" Moe offered

"Uh…I'm a vampire. I don't really eat…" This was not _at all_ how Kain had imagined the great oracle of Nosgoth would behave. _Like hell I'm going to take his food…even if I was alive I wouldn't have taken it…_Kain thought to him self. Out loud Kain said, "Stop with your tricks and babble old man…" The Time Streamer stared at him blankly. "Oh why do I bother…tell me how to defeat Malek so we can all get on with it." Moebius' face lit up.

"Have I told you about King Ottmar yet? Well it all started when…" Kain groaned, Moebius _had _already told him about King Ottmar.

The vampire left him. _"What a nice young man" _Moe thought to himself. It wasn't often that such kind and understanding people came to visit; it was mainly irate mothers coming to complain that their children were getting killed. _A fine plan _the voice said in his head,_ lure him into a false sense of security and then dispose of him. _ "He didn't seem to like potatoes much…I think I'll try noodles next…" _Why does he do this every paragraph? _There was a reason to this terrible fate that had befallen the squid god, and her name was Stacy Anderson.

AN: That wasn't nearly as funny as I hoped it would turn out. The name "Stacy Anderson" is stupid, why did I use it? Oh well, if you don't like the story you can always throw something at your computer screen in vain hopes that it'll hit me.

Raziel: The author doesn't have very much confidence in herself; please bear with her…even though the story would be better with ME in it.

Turn Based Tragedy: Quiet you.


	2. The Public is Just Like Moe

The sun was still shining, the birds hadn't died of bird flu yet, and the rabid flesh-eating bees had been slightly more docile of late. The people of Nosgoth were in a good, good mood that day. Moebius breathed in the fresh stink of maggot-infested bodies and smiled, it _was_ a beautiful morning out. As he walked down the road he whistled, he was sure was gonna make cool words come out of his mouth. Maybe he would gesture wildly too, that was always a crowd favorite.

As Moebius pondered the finer points of his speech, the Elder God was desperately trying to put words into is head. Too late! Moe's already there! _Why?_ Because I said so elder so shut up and stop complaining.

"Who has been plaguing us since the beginning?" Moebuis shouted at the enthused crowed.

"THE VAMPIRES!" the mob shouted back.

"Oh really? Uh…that's all I really wanted to know so…"

'_and who is responsible for the tragic deaths of your families…' come on just say it!_

"Oh…And who was res-ponsible for the tragic deaths of your families?"

"THE VAMPIRES!"

"AND WHO HAS TERRIBLE POWERS TO TAKE OVER THE MINDS OF YOUR SWEET LITTLE PUPIES TO MAKE THEM EVIL AND TEAR THE FINGERS OFF YOUR CHILDREN?"

"…THE VAMPIRES!"

_Whoa…what exactly _happened _to you in your childhood Moebius?_

"THESE VILE NINJA-PIRATE-FAIRY-POP SINGERS CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE! THEY MUST BE STOPPED!"

"THE VAMPIRES…GET THE VAMPIRES!"

_These people…they…they actually bought that crap…how much bad carma would one have to acquire to actually achieve my position? _

"NO LONGER WILL WE HAVE TO SUFFER GOTH CYCLOPS SINGNIG FAIRIES! LETS EGG THEIR HOUSES!"

"EGG THEIR HOUSES!" and with that final cry the crowd simultaneously went to bed. Being an angry mob is tiring.

"That went quite good," said Moebius happily opening his good old' copy of 'Correct Usage of Grammar'.

_I wish I could vomit._

A/N: that was quite short… but I guess better short and entertaining then long and boring.

Raziel: what are you talking about? The longer the better!

Turn Based Tragedy: Sir…please don't speak any more…you might just kill Mr. Bell.

Raziel: who?


	3. It's all Stacy's fault

Stacy Anderson sat at her computer, watching gleefully as her program ran its course. Why was she so genius? All she had to do was make an entirely new program and she could _make_ that squid suffer! Sure, he didn't really exist but his personality was just like _his_…'I suppose it I could have gone about it in an easier fashion' she thought to her self (she tried many a time but always failed to think to other people). 'I could have written crappy fan-fiction…then I might not have needed to abduct Tony Jay…but then again I might have any way. Poor guy, only wanted his groceries…'

**MEANWHILE…**else where…over the mountain…through the woods…down the bunny trail…

The Elder God had the sudden and disturbing sense of being watched. _Gee, no wonder people are creeped out by me. Gosh that's scary…who could be watching _me

**MEANWHILE…**after the bunny trail…you know, when you end up in some old ladies garden…in the asparagus…

Moebius was so inclined to make another public speech. That other one was such a success he couldn't help but want to do it again. He was so intent upon making a speech in fact that he didn't notice when his entire army came stomping across the cute little garden he was sitting in (destroying everything in their path naturally, they weren't taking any chances with this bit of information they were harboring).

"Your Highness Overlord Head Priest! We've caught a vampire!" barked the bulldog, which was also coincidentally the highest-ranking General in Moebius' army.

"Huh? Why'd you do that? Release him at once!" Moebius ordered, not really aware that he was supposed to hate vampires.

"But Your Highness Overlord Dictator! We caught him sneaking around the keep!"

"Oh all right…bring him here" Moebius sighed (he just _couldn't_ resist the head General's puppy dog eyes). The pack of Lego men that was Moebius' army parted, pushing from its depths the vampire in question. He was well built, blonde, and disgruntled. (You can try guessing who it is but you only get three tries…I'll give you a hint, it's the Legacy of .)

"Ohhhhhh! Kaaaaain!" Moe squealed. "Why didn't you tell me it was Kain?" Moebius asked smoothing his nonexistent hair.

"You've no more hope of killing the entire Vampire race then you have of killing me Moe…why are you batting your eyes at me like that?"

"You must forgive the roughness of my men, they do not know how to treat a fragile being like yourself. You are not harmed, I hope?"

"Um…I think you have me confused with some one else…" this conversation was beginning to make Kain uncomfortable.

"My dear, you have no need to fear." Said Moebius, getting up from his tea table fluidly, taking Kain delicately by the hand. "You are under my protection here," He said drawing Kain's hand to his lips. It was at this point that the Elder decided to take a break from his relentless search for the one watching him to check up on Moebius. What he saw wasn't pretty.

_What the _**HELL** _is going on here? Why are you _**kissing **_a vampire Moebius? Haven't you absorbed anything I've told you over the past 50 years? I leave for not even an hour and look at what happens! Humans and vampires are falling in love with each other! What next, will the birds and the bees start getting a little too friendly…oh my. That's…that's just disgusting…uhnnnn…just look at that bird…oh…that…bee…uhhgn…oh, that's just horrible…that…_

And that is how the expression "the birds and the bees" came about.

Turn BasedTragedy: that was…kind of disturbing…

Raziel: Poor poor Kain…no wonder he's so warped…


	4. What the Rock is Cookin'

PokeMon. That was what Moebius wanted. He wanted to sit down in front of that T.V. and rot his brains out on fictional turn based creatures. No, he didn't want to, he needed to. It was now imperative to his survival that he watch this cartoon. Without the anime he would surely shrivel up and die a most horrible painful death surrounded by his own fluids. Without Ash and the gang he would cease all necessary functions, his head would collapse in upon its self with the sheer weight of hid nervous sporadic head itching he was over come by. PokeMon was not on the T.V., it was surely the end for him, he would die in this terrible painful way. Good bye sweet world, the fruits of living were no longer granted to him. He would be dead soon, all was lost, the world had no hope now.

Just then the cheerful sound of the oven timer went off, echoing through out the sarafan keep. "Oooo! The muffins are ready!" Moebius squealed as he hurried across the hall to remove them from the oven. He pulled them out cheerfully, oblivious to the evil cackle that rang across dimensions. The sound of it chilled the Elder to the bones.

Kain was walking along his merry little path of vehemence quit quickly. Even faster then he thought he would. It was as if there was nothing holding him up, nothing evil, sinister, and manipulative blocking his way forward. There just weren't enough obstacles! This was suspicious, he had the feeling that this quest should have been much harder, his enemies should not have been so easy to pick out from his allies. What was wrong though? What was it that was making his story not as deep...?

Stacy had surrounded herself with all the geeks she could muster. There were not only computer nerds on stand by in case she should need help of any sort, but there were geeks so obsessed with Legacy of Kain that they knew the exact polygon count of at _least_ every major character in the series (not to mention they could program the character flawlessly in any one of their incarnations). She needed them in order to complete the task she had given her life to- ruining the elder god.

"Hey Stacy, are you sure this is legal?" asked one of the nerds.

"That's Ms. Anderson to you and you need not concern yourself with such matters, just keep programing Blood Omen and all will be well."

"But isn't it your ultimate goal to punish the elder god?" another nerd chimed in. This one was less knowledgeable in the way of Legacy of Kain then most of them were. In fact, the only reason Stacy kept him on the team was because of his formidable computer prowess. "Why should you even make the Blood Omen game? The Elder God isn't even in it!" the room fell deadly silent. Although there were indeed Legacy of Kain geeks present, there were none as devoted as Stacy.

"Have you never played the series, my dear boy?" Stacy spoke down to the young lad as though she were years his superior. She wasn't, these were all her piers.

"I've played some but I haven't beat Soul Reaver yet so-"

"YOU ARE BANISHED TO THE SMELLY COUCH FOR ALL ETERNITY!" Stacy screamed in a terrible rage.

"But...that's the _stinky_ sofa...I'll never survive the stench of it!"

"YOU ARE BANISHED! BANISHED UNTIL RAZIEL IS A LIEUTENANT AGAIN!"

"But...that'll never happen I-"

"BANISHED! BANISHED I SAY! CRABBE! GOYLE! TAKE THIS MONSTROSITY AWAY FROM ME!"

"Wha...? But they're fic-" and he was dragged away by two very large, very real people. Stacy watched and let loose a peal of manic laughter.

Kain heard the evil giggle ringing through out the lands. He thought it would have been better if he ignored it, but somehow he knew he couldn't.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Turn Based Tragedy: That was that chapter! Hope you didn't find it to unbearably idiotic!

Raziel: Are we just going to ignore the fact that Kain was molested by Moebius in the last chapter?

Turn Based Tragedy: I sent him to a support group, he'll be fine.

Raziel: Why am I ever the only one concerned?


	5. Apples!

A/N: I think this'll be the last chapter. I don't see why nobody wants to read the story (really, I have myself in stitches just writing it) but since there's a public disinterest, I don't think I'll be wasting my time any more. I'll leave it up in case any one wants to convince me otherwise but I guess it's now officially in the off position. Thanks to all four of you who decided to tough it out with me (or maybe just looked on it by accident). Keep it real.

-TBT

Mortanious was tending to his work diligently. If you wanted good effective undead you had to raise them properly, otherwise, they turned out to be too stupid to even pull a lever. It was crucial that one followed the proper procedures. He was working on Malek's new guards for his bastion when . . . _they _came. The intruders came up behind him, snatched him up quite rudely, stuck a sack over his head, and tried to sling him over all of their shoulders at once. "Idiots" He breathed "I only fit over _one_ shoulder." And then passed out from the sheer stench of them. No doubt about it, these were Moebius' morons.

The Sarafan guard came tromping across the garden to deliver the oh-so-important 'package' to their lord Moebius, the only man that could match them in I.Q. level.(Everybody else insisted on scoring above -5. It was amazing that they were alive at all!) The men trusted Moebius, even though he was quit a bit older then they, he was one of them through-and-through. They would do _anything_ for him, and anything included abducting Mortanious and refraining from bathing as a defense.

"Unhand me this instant!" growled Mortanious the very moment the odoriferous brute who was carrying him passed him onto a fellow, somewhat more fragrant, soldier. "Moebius, you do this to me every other day- EVERY OTHER DAY! Why don't you do it to someone else, hmm?"

"I just wanted to have tea with you..." replied Moebius in a small voice, looking rather afraid for himself and shrinking into his elegant 'tea chair'. The very sight of him in his bright yellow hoop skirt and matching bonnet offended Mortanious.

"Well then," he growled. "WHY DIDN'T **YOU _JUST ASK_**?" Our necromancer was **not** a happy camper.

"Because then you'd say no." said Moebius in an even smaller voice. It was true, Mortanious avoided interaction with Moebius at _all_ costs. "Well" said Moebius suddenly bright "since I had you abducted you might as well sit a spell and enjoy a cup of tea with me!" Mortanious just stared.

"How long have you been planning my abduction, Moebius?"

". . .four. . .months. . .?"

"I don't believe you, it would take much longer for _you_ to construct such a well balanced sentence. The only word you used twice was 'you', and there wasn't a 'like' in sight. How long have you _really _been planning my abduction?"

"FINE THEN, IT WAS FOUR YEARS! HAPPY NOW? FOUR!!!"

"WHY HAVE YOU BEEN PLANING SUCH A STUPID POINTLESS OPERATION FOR FOUR YEARS? NOT EVEN _YOU'RE_ THAT STUPID! What were all those other random stupid get-togethers for, practice?"

". . .yes." Mortanious looked outraged, and Moebius hastened to explain. "Well, I know all your favorites now!"

Mortanious sighed, he knew he was fighting a battle that could never be won. He might as well play along with the poor time-streamer's stupidity, after all, it was probably for that best that he did. "Moe, before you ruin your own little shindig let me explain some things to you. First, shepard's pie. It's not supposed to made with real shepard in it and it's generally not served with tea, seeing how it's not _really_ pie. Second, it's not Kraft Crumbles and tea, it's crumpets and tea. Do you know what crumpets are?"

"You play them!" chirped Moebius happily.

". . .No, that's trumpets. I'm not going to explain what crumpets are to you because, chances are, you're still trying to process the first thing I said to you and it would be a waste of time to try to cram it into your goldfish brain." A pained look crossed Moebius' face, and for a second Mortanious was afraid that Moebius had actually understood that he had been insulted. Then it cleared.

"Mortanious! You're here! Why don't you sit down for a spell and have some tea with me?"

"And I dared hope. . ." said Mortanious as he took his seat. As soon as he did however, and iron body cast pinned him to it. It occurred to him to become angry, but what would be the point? Mortanious could remember what had just occurred, even if Moebius couldn't.

"Moebius," Mortanious began as patiently as he could. "Why was I encased in a full body cast as soon as I sat down?" He was going to ask where it came from too but decided better of it. One thing at a time, short circuiting him now would do no good.

"It's for my love. . .so she couldn't run away. . ._hey! You're not my love!" _Moratnious wasn't a bit shocked that Moebuis could be so stupid. . .on the contrary, he was _expecting_ the reason to be completely idiotic. "WHERE IS MY LOVE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE DID you. . ." Moebius stopped mid rant and looked at something just beyond Mortanious' left shoulder entranced.

"Moebius. . .what are you doing? What are you looking at Moebius? What ever it is you'd better not eat it!" Moebius started moving toward the object with the same look of enthrallment as a baby discovering his hands. "Moebius. . .Moebius I'm warning you. . ."

"It's so. . ._squishy!"_ Exclaimed Moebius in delight as he wandered back into Mortanious' line of vision.

"DEAR GOD WHAT IS IT? MOEBIUS, DON'T YOU _DARE_ EAT THAT THING! I FORBID YOU FROM-"

"Eat?" Moebius looked at the thing with new interest.

_Oh. . .oh no. I've put an idea into his head. Oh no, oh no, oh dear Nayru no._ "Moebius. . .Please don't do it! You don't even know what it-"

"It's an apple!" Moebius cleared up happily.

"Meobius, I'm telling you right now. . .that is a bad, _bad _apple." Moebius brought the dripping apple to eye level and stared at it. "Moebius. . . If you eat that thing I swear. . .!" Mortanious wriggled furiously to get out of his restraints, wobbling about vainly in the chair.

Moebius brought the horrible thing to his nose and inhaled deeply. Mortanious _had_ to get out of there. He began sending mental distress signals to every being he had ever brought back to life. Moebius brought the decomposing fruit to his lips. Mortanious sent even more frantic signals to his creations. Moebius' lips parted and his tongue slid out, saliva dripping slowly onto the perfectly manicured lawn (and sizzled a bit as it hit). Mortanious watched horrified for a moment and then promptly resumed directing frenzied mind messages to his undead creations.

Moebius opened wide and exclaimed happily "Through the teeth and over the gums, watch out tummy, here it comes!" and unceremoniously stuffed the soggy fruit into his mouth. At first it seemed Mortanious was doomed to watch Moebius ingest the horrible thing, but then, salvation! One of his zombie minions had come to save him!

"_Pull the lever" _Mortanious told it. _"Pull the lever that has been placed conveniently in an area that my fledgling vampire, _Kain _would easily be able to access using his abilities to posses humans. Pull it quickly before the time streamer realizes that the fruit that he is eating tastes bad! Quickly!" _The zombie _did_ obey his master, but it was really, _really_, slow.

Moebius was chewing his apple happily, and then, all of a sudden, just as the zombie had figured out _how_ to pull the lever, Moebius accomplished just what Mortanious feared. He realized that the apple was disgusting. As he had just made a discovery about the world he lived in, he felt compelled to yell about it "THIS APPLE IS TERRIBLE!" he shouted and spit the rotten apple into Mortanious' face.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in Nosgoth, Kain was trying to will a rock to get up and dance. "Huh," said Kain. "Mortanious is in a situation which I could save him from but I won't because I'm a jerk." Kain pondered that fact for a moment and then went back to trying to make the rock dance with his mind.

Raziel: GASP What happens next?!?!?

TBT: Nothing, unless you write it.

Raziel: What, I can't write it! It's all in _your_ head.

TBT: Oh so you're calling me crazy now?

Raziel: I've been doing that since the start, where have _you_ been?

TBT: Oh. . .never mind. I guess it's ok then.

Raziel: So what next?

TBT: I guess we say good bye to the lovely people.

Raziel: What? You mean that you aren't even going to finish the story?

TBT: Nope.

Raziel: Aw, shucks. And I was just getting out of character. Well, it was. . .entertaining knowing you TBT. Oh, and to all of you who care, I hope you enjoyed the story while it lasted! Good bye.

TBT: It's back to the drawing board for me I guess. . .Peace. ;)


End file.
